Through past incarnations

Chapter 1. Egor

Since his youth, Egor had problems with girls. It wasn’t that he was afraid of them—not at all—but his shyness and constant insecurities about his appearance left him lacking confidence and held him back. He did not consider himself particularly attractive. He wasn’t ugly, excuse my bluntness—quite the opposite, he was a good-looking guy—but he severely lacked self-confidence. Another issue was his desire to be a “good young man”—proper, not drinking or smoking—which in itself is not a bad thing. He also wanted to be kind and genuinely tried to help others because he had often heard that kind guys are loved, caring guys are cherished, brave guys are respected, and decisive guys are seen as reliable. So he felt he had to appear exemplary in front of others, as if on display, to be noticed.

And yet, this never happened for him, and Egor did not understand why. Either he was simply unlucky, or the girls he met were somehow strange and failed to appreciate his intentions and personal qualities. After all, he had been raised to be reserved; he did not behave aggressively, argue, or fight with women. He was polite, tolerant, and easy to be around. And God forbid he should suggest anything sexual—that would be a nightmare. What if someone found out? Friends or strangers—it would be unbearable. People would laugh at him. They would point at him and giggle or even ask him directly, “Did you get rejected, pretty boy?” And what about his relatives? His friends? There would be eyes and ears everywhere, and he would not want to let anyone in on his secret.

As a result, the young man was constantly afraid of something, especially his own desires. Nevertheless, they came, often dirty and frightening, mainly about women: how he was with them there... having fun... in private... in different ways...

And so this story dragged on, day after day, turning into months, then years. Nothing changed; only fear and complexes overwhelmed the young man. On top of everything else, he was afraid of being rejected by girls; he often had no money, so at some point he even began to be overcome by shame that came out of nowhere. Egor thought, ‘How can it be that I can't afford to ask a girl out on a date? Take her to the cinema or a café, to an amusement park, or even just treat her to something on the street? It's shameful.’ After that, the young man was again forced to give up meeting the fairer sex.

He felt uncomfortable and couldn't settle down. As a result, Egor gave up on dating, but after a while he tried again to find someone, using dating sites or randomly approaching girls on the street, but nothing helped. When he did get a positive result, he was still not satisfied, because in the end it turned out to be different from what he had imagined. He dreamed of attractive girls with athletic builds who, for some reason, would want to show him their interest, but in reality, he was either regularly rejected and sent away, or he encountered deceitful and frivolous girls, or something else, sometimes even eccentric.

Once, he took a liking to a pretty girl who worked as a bus conductor. He tried to get her phone number and managed to do so. Overjoyed, he called the next day to chat, but instead of the young woman’s voice, he was answered by a strange older woman, which upset him once again. Something wasn’t right—what was it?

The next time, he tried to approach another pretty girl on the bus, who was well dressed and nicely made up but had a look of superiority on her face. When he asked her name, Egor was told that she supposedly only met guys online, not in real life. He tried to continue the conversation, but the aloof girl showed no interest, and in the end, he gave up, leaving the “impenetrable wall” alone.

Another girl toyed with him several times, repeatedly arranging new meetings but never showing up to any of them. She kept this up for about a month—sometimes inviting him, sometimes ignoring him, like a fisherman playing with a fish on the line.

It would seem that this should have been enough, but he still believed and waited for those very ‘real’ feelings—the “true” love he had heard about so many times from his parents and from countless stories in films, song lyrics, and real life. And yet he kept believing while remaining trapped in his own insecurities and fears. The poor guy didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to go to prostitutes, even though his desire for sex was sometimes overwhelming, but at the same time he wanted a serious relationship, not just a ‘one-night stand.’

So Egor found himself at an impasse, shaped by society, his own beliefs, his upbringing, and the surrounding reality. As a result, he became fixated on his lack of intimacy and meaningful relationships. He suffered because he couldn’t find a way out. He had no romantic relationships, yet he desperately wanted them. For this reason, he essentially shut down this part of his life. And even when he met some nice girls, Egor would look for reasons not to be with them, immediately finding flaws either in them or in himself, after which any interaction would come to nothing—and that was it: game over, blow out the candles. After all, if there is no relationship, then there are no problems. The poor fellow consoled himself with the thought that he was tirelessly searching for his ‘ideal,’ his ‘perfect’ match, because he was so ‘right,’ and ‘unworthy girls’ would ‘dump’ him. And even if they didn’t ‘dump’ him, they eventually would, as he believed. Whether for money, because of the relationship itself, or through some cunning scheme—it didn’t matter; something would inevitably go wrong, as in the ‘perfect world’ of imperfect people around him. With this mindset, the poor fellow went on living his life.

This misunderstanding lasted for many years, and then one day, internal changes began to occur that the young man could not explain—he started to be overwhelmed by obsessive and depressive thoughts. These were oppressive states that included apathy, suppressed aggression, a lack of understanding of what to do in this world and what to live for, and sudden outbursts of anger. Depression became a constant presence in his life, coming and going, overtaking him again and again. His low self-esteem began to trigger unpleasant behavior. He started to argue with his loved ones, lost interest in relationships with girls, withdrew into games, had no desire to study, and instead threw himself into work. Egor changed jobs one after another, tried many things, but found no real satisfaction in any of them. At the same time, he did not stray from his principles. As a result, he developed an addiction to pornography and began watching it in secret, hating both himself and what he was watching. Every time afterward, he felt disgust toward himself and the videos, even insulting himself, unable to accept this side of his personality. Egor asked himself, "Why is this happening? If I am so righteous, why won’t God help me overcome this addiction?" It wasn’t that he blamed the Creator, but rather that he felt a sense of grievance toward Him.

And the young man began visiting temples, simply in an attempt to heal himself mentally. Trapped in a cycle of recurring depression and growing negative habits, he began to seek salvation in holiness. He prayed to God in the mornings and at night while continuing to collect photos of naked women and watch pornography. Every time he saw the curves of a naked female body, he lost control of himself. He would hide from others and masturbate, then despise himself afterward. He wanted to run away, but he didn’t know where to go, because you cannot run away from yourself. Egor couldn’t understand: why was everything arranged this way? If God was truly all-good and all-loving, as religion taught, why was He so cruel as to condemn His children to suffering, placing them in the hellish torments He Himself had created? What a strange world! The trap in which the poor man found himself seemed to have snapped shut.

Nevertheless, as he continued spending time in temples and seeking salvation there, in places of spiritual strength, he gradually began to feel better—especially in those monasteries where the rules were as strict as possible. In some temples, they woke up early in the morning, and it was not allowed to remain in one’s cell, which also served as a room. In some places, it was forbidden to leave the temple grounds or to avoid performing any assigned duties—that is, to remain idle. Therefore, Egor worked: he planted flowers, watered them, carried building materials, made cheese and candles, took care of cows, kept bees, attended morning and evening services, participated in liturgies as an assistant to the priest, baked goods in the temples’ bakeries, and also helped residents in nearby villages when asked.

Living such a simple life in the temples, the young man gradually began to feel changes in his own heart, which slowly took hold of him. He began to feel calmer; his depression receded, as did his obsessive, lustful desires. And yet, as soon as he was left alone, even for a short time, lewd thoughts crept back in, like vile snakes trying to bite him. Although life in the temples helped him greatly at times, filling him with a sense of elevated energy, it did not help Egor quickly get rid of the tormenting thoughts and states of mind that he could neither explain nor share with others. While staying within the temple walls, he sometimes thought about becoming a priest, but he understood that he was incapable of living a pure life, for he could not control himself, and he did not want to engage in self-deception or hypocrisy. Realizing that he did not belong there, the young man left the temple walls and continued his search, returning to his normal life. Meanwhile, depression began to overwhelm him again with renewed force, coming and going like cyclones.

Then he began to isolate himself more often, wandering through plantations and fields, finding peace and strength in nature. There, Egor restored his energy and relaxed, sometimes speaking to the world around him: to the river and the trees, to the earth and the grass, and to insects and animals. He saw nature as a beautiful yet entirely harsh environment, but that did not negate its beneficial and calming influence. Understanding that everything living there—whether animals or insects—was engaged in survival, hunting one another, reproducing, building shelters, and, of course, searching for food, he also saw this clearly in the plant world, where some plants grew in place of others, pushing them out of their territory, and vice versa. And so it went on and on, like the wheel of reincarnation.

The young man walked around and observed all of this, associating himself with the surrounding world—how cruel it was and how relentless his own depression and negative feelings were, tormenting him again and again. It would seem that everything was fine, that life was beautiful—which it was—but nevertheless, inexplicable feelings of depression came over him time and time again, like ghosts, and he could not find a logical explanation for this phenomenon. In the end, he came to the conclusion that it was necessary to find the root cause at all costs. There had to be a reason for his cyclical depression, because it prevented Egor from accepting himself as he was, since his soul clearly yearned for light, goodness, and purity, while his desires, for some reason, were drawn to filth and baseness.

This imbalance led him to a new dilemma: why do the vile and the beautiful coexist within a person? For he had never met anyone who did not have at least one bad habit. Everyone sins in some way, and he was no exception. Without exception, everyone has at least one negative habit that harms them, yet it is either impossible or extremely difficult to get rid of it. And even if someone manages to overcome their destructive tendencies, they very soon acquire new ones that are no less harmful. This is usually how it happens.

And these heavy, relentless thoughts haunted Egor like a thorn in his side, driving him to reflect and search for a way out. He would find it.

Chapter 2. Veronica

This girl’s fate was not similar to Egor’s. On the contrary, she was not particularly troubled by depressive states; rather, she was free from them and sought the truth, seeing the world around her as diverse and positive. From childhood, she was curious and interested in everything, especially in matters related to God and the soul. As a teenager and as she grew older, she did not worry about the lack of boys or their absence; on the contrary, she always had plenty of them, and she herself was very amorous. She was not easily accessible, but she showed a quick interest in communicating with boys. For example, when she was only five and attended kindergarten, she already had a boyfriend with whom she would exchange kisses on the cheek. She was such a lively girl.

As she grew up, Veronica became very attractive, but relationships were just a game to her. She was much more interested in learning about her past and the nature of the soul than in physical pursuits. Searching for answers, Veronica tried various things: yoga, meditation, consulting an astrologer and a numerologist, gradually gathering bits of information about herself.

However, problems began in her family when her mother started pressuring her, saying, ‘It's time for you to stop doing all this nonsense’ and ‘Go study.’ She had to abandon her interest in esoteric and spiritual matters and focus on college right after finishing school. But even there, things did not go smoothly, because her mother’s control gave her no peace. The woman constantly kept an eye on her daughter to make sure she achieved good results and did not get distracted by what she called ‘unnecessary’ ‘nonsense’.

Nevertheless, this very ‘unnecessary nonsense’ kept reminding the girl of themselves, manifesting in the form of friends who were involved in tarot, numerology, and astrology, or in the form of books on the shelves in esoteric sections, such as ‘Journey of the Soul’ or ‘Conversations with God.’ She would secretly buy some of these books and read them, hiding them from her mom and keeping them under her mattress or in other places. That was how she lived—in fear and anxiety about her interests, even though her mom was not a particularly strict woman. However, she could not tolerate topics related to subtle energies, God, or the soul, or anything even remotely otherworldly, and whenever such things came up, there would be unpleasant conversations and sharp remarks, even ultimatums: ‘If I see or hear this again, you'll be in trouble.’ And so Veronica lived, fearing her own mother.

But fate, or perhaps providence, did not forget about Ronnie and occasionally reminded her of her long-standing passions, sending her signs, just as it had in her childhood. For example, she sometimes saw the spirits of dead people, which she initially told her mother about, but her mother did not believe her and even threatened her, though more often than not she simply forced her daughter to keep quiet. Veronica did not particularly remember her father, as he took little part in her upbringing. At first, her father was present in her life, but then he was carried away by his desires. He moved from one woman to another and traveled back and forth for work to support his family. In fact, he managed to do so, but he paid almost no attention to Ronnie or her mother. And so the days passed.

All this time, Veronica needed nothing more than her father. At first, he was home more often because he worked nearby, in a neighboring region, but then things did not work out there either, so her father decided to move even farther away. He could not come to an agreement with her mother because she had a stable job as a teacher and her own apartment, while he could not find work where he lived. Or maybe he did not want to—Ronnie does not know. The fact is that he became a rare guest in his own home and could not give the girl the protection she needed from her own mother.

A few months later, as it turned out, he started a new family in another city. This had a negative impact on Ronnie, as her mother’s control and pressure intensified. At the same time, the visions gradually disappeared, and the otherworldly visitors stopped appearing to her. For example, as a child, she used to spend time with her maternal grandmother. According to her relatives, her grandmother was a powerful healer, skilled in treating people with spells and even able to summon the wind with her whistle. Yes, she would whistle in a certain way, and the wind would gradually begin to rise. Veronica loved spending time with her, as she could learn many unusual things. But her mother did not approve, so she rarely had the chance to spend long days with her grandmother—mostly only when her grandmother could help and her mother did not have the strength or time to take care of her daughter.

In the end, she never fully understood why her mother disliked everything that seemed inexplicable. Of course, she asked her what the matter was, but the only answers she received were ‘dangerous,’ ‘harmful,’ and ‘you don't need to know.’ Only once did her mother mention that, because of her abilities, her grandmother was disliked by many in the village where she lived, as some of the local women accused her of stealing their suitors. They believed she could cast spells, ward off suitors, and so on, and that several young men had suffered from her evil magic at one time or another. Her mother did not tell her anything else, and most of it sounded like rumors. She even said that her grandfather, her grandmother’s husband, had chosen her precisely because she had charmed him, since he had originally intended to marry another woman. Veronica could no longer ask him about this personally, as he had died two years before she was born, but later, when she turned eight, her grandmother—her mother’s mother—also died, so it was no longer possible to find out the truth directly. Rumors should not be believed, even those spread by her mother, so the girl did not believe them, but in reality, she did not want to contradict her mother.

However, when she turned 18, a turning point occurred. She enrolled at a university in her city, where she made a friend who looked as if she practiced magic. On her social media page, her friend once posted photos of herself in leather clothes in a cemetery and even half-naked in a witch’s costume, along with many photos featuring witchcraft paraphernalia.

Veronica did not particularly appreciate this behavior, but she understood that her friend was interested in the afterlife and magic, whether for fun or for some specific purpose, and she found it fascinating. And then one day, this girl came to class, and Veronica saw a black creature, like a spider, hovering above her. It was the first time she had seen such a vision in a long time, and it made a strong impression on her. This thing seemed to be ‘feeding’ on her friend’s energy, and it was clearly present—that is, it was real but invisible to others. But Ronnie saw it, albeit briefly, for only a few seconds, and then it seemed to dissolve into space. She even thought that the vision might have been a figment of her imagination, that her mind had played tricks on her, but her intuition told her otherwise—that it was indeed a real creature ‘feeding’ on the subtle energy of her classmate.

After a couple of minutes, Ronnie approached her and cautiously asked if everything was okay, to which she replied, as usual, somewhat sharply, but still with a question: ‘Everything's fine. What's wrong?’ ‘I'm just asking,’ she replied cautiously, so as not to provoke a conflict. After all, her strange friend was moody: when everything was fine, she was positive, fun, and cool—though peculiar, as she couldn’t control her emotions—but when she felt bad and was emotionally low, she easily got into conflicts, readily said nasty things about people, behaved badly, blamed everyone for all the world’s problems—especially for the fact that her own life was not going well—and gossiped a lot.

There were even cases when this moody girl became angry with others, after which strange things happened: people stumbled and fell as if on level ground, bumped into things, and once, a girl who had quarreled with her had her clothes set on fire by cigarette ash. All these incidents occurred when people her friend did not get along with entered into even the slightest conflict with her. And although Veronica herself was never afraid of her, at that moment she felt uneasy that SOMETHING was ‘feeding’ on her friend’s energy.

When she saw THAT, Ronnie realized that her abilities had returned, but she had no idea what to do with them or how to use them now. She thought that maybe she should change her major before it was too late, since she had followed in her mother’s footsteps and studied to become a teacher, even though teaching was not her calling at all. Then things became even more strange and unpredictable.

After a while, she learned that her father had jumped out of a window—of his own accord. From a phone conversation with him, it became clear that nothing was clear. He had done it for no apparent reason, and she did not understand how it had happened. It seemed to have been a spontaneous act, the motive for which he could not properly explain. And that was it: his life was turned upside down, and he became disabled. After the fall, his legs were seriously injured, which meant that he had to use crutches at first and later a walking stick permanently.

When she came to see him in the hospital, he didn’t want to explain himself because he was ashamed. The doctors said they had found no traces of drugs in his blood, only a small amount of alcohol, and he himself confirmed that he had been sane at the time of the jump, but had suddenly heard a voice in his head telling him to ‘jump,’ and he obeyed. He got up from his chair, opened the fifth-floor window, and jumped, hitting a birch tree as he fell. It saved him from completely breaking his legs, or perhaps something even worse, as the doctors explained. Out of the blue, he heard the call, and a sane adult man stepped straight out of the window, fully clothed.

This story shocked Veronica and haunted her for a long time. Her mother simply called her father an ‘idiot’ and ‘half-witted,’ although she did not feel any hostility, indifference, or negativity toward him. On the contrary, she still loved him, although she did not forgive him for his long absences and for leaving the family. She never brought another man into the house, devoting herself entirely to her daughter, seeing in her an intelligent continuation and her best investment. That is why she was so demanding of Veronica, trying to mold her into the ideal version of her own unfulfilled self.

After visiting her injured father, Veronica remained under the impression for a long time, and all these twists and turns involving her father, grandmother, mother, friend, as well as numerous other incidents with strangers, along with memories from the past, naturally led her to reflect more and look deeper within herself. She clearly understood that she wanted to know who she really was and what was going on, because logically, this world—with its sometimes unimaginable human actions—was impossible to explain. That was what she believed at the time, so she began to search desperately for answers. Without saying a word to her mom, the girl began attending various esoteric gatherings and subscribing to public accounts of people who positioned themselves as energy practitioners, seekers of truth, and the like. But at the same time, her relationship with her mother began to deteriorate. Not immediately, but steadily, over time. She could no longer—and did not want to—put up with her mother’s demands about this and that, to study well and be compliant, so it was only natural that they began to quarrel and argue more and more often, causing the misunderstanding between them to grow like a snowball. The daughter could not understand why her mother kept her so close and did not allow her to breathe freely. What had Veronica done wrong?

One day, she went to church to confess, just as Egor had done, and asked the priest the same questions. But she felt that he did not give her the answers that could help her get out of her situation. The priest spoke about respect, humility, parental care, and love, but she had the following questions: Why was her own mother unfair to her? Why was she trying to change her? And why was she still so dependent on her circumstances, forcing her to live with her mother and endure her pressure, as if she owed her something from the past, and was now paying it back? As if she had to repay some kind of obligation. Why did everything look this way? But the priest said directly that there were no past lives and that one had to accept one’s fate as it was. After listening to the clergyman, Ronnie left the church feeling a little calmer but still unsatisfied. The priest did not impress her.

Some time later, another incident occurred that finally shook Veronica awake. All this time, her mother had a boyfriend who periodically visited them, sometimes helping their family by bringing groceries, taking them to the lake, or doing other things. The girl didn’t particularly like him because there was something unpleasant and off-putting about him, but not to the extent that she couldn’t stand him. He was a repulsive type, nothing more, but the main thing was that he was hardly intrusive. When he was there, it was fine; when he wasn’t, it was even better.

One evening, when it was already dark outside, he came to their house while her mother was at work. Ronnie was sitting in her room when the man knocked on the window. Hearing the knock, she went to open the door but was very frightened because there was a man with red eyes standing outside. They weren’t just red—they resembled the eyes of a devil, as if they were burning in the darkness. This terrified her. That evening, the girl did not let him into the house; she remained silent, pretending that no one was home. Mum’s ‘devilish’ suitor knocked, thinking that someone would open the door, that someone was inside, but the door remained locked, so after a while he left.

This incident affected Veronica so deeply that she decided to let her mother finally know that she had a certain ‘vision’ and that she no longer intended to ignore it. Of course, she told her about the image that had appeared before her, but her mother just laughed. Despite her skepticism, her mother eventually had to give up the idea of inviting this man over. Ronnie insisted on it, as by that time her mental state had begun to deteriorate and she was becoming increasingly stressed. She felt constantly restless, found it difficult to sit still or concentrate on anything, and her memory had also worsened. She began to forget her phone, passport, bank card, student ID, and house keys more and more often. She was always leaving something behind, and moreover, she was mentally exhausted.

One day, while she was at university, her close friend and classmate told her that she had visited a regression therapist who had said that the root cause of her problem lay in one of her previous incarnations. The girl was suffering from unrequited love and was trying to get out of the oppressive depression she had fallen into after breaking up with her boyfriend. As it turned out, in a past incarnation, she herself had abandoned a man who loved her, and she was now paying for it in the present. Upon hearing this, Ronnie immediately asked for the regression therapist’s contact details and scheduled an appointment, arriving at the address on the appointed day and at the scheduled time.

In the corridor, outside the door with the sign ‘Psychologist–Regression Therapist Ignatova S.V.,’ she met a young man, two years older than her, who had also come for a session. His name was Egor.

(End of the first two introductory chapters)